Posted: Thursday, June 3, 2010 in depressed, for sale, Freedom, hope, kids, potty training, work
I was out solo today. I had a quick job interview and decided to pop into an antique shop in town. I wandered around and enjoyed the silence in my head. I had no intentions of buying anything. I really didn’t have the money to spare. Even the 1948 Fleischmanns Yeast bread book for $2.
I was the perfect companion to my 1943 version of the book and it killed me to walk away. I love old books. They’re so delicate to the touch and their smell reminds me of something I can’t quite name. The paper is soft and fuzzy like the footsie jammies my kids wear in the winter.
I was checking out a book, mostly just to have it in my hands, when I flipped the back cover open to find a religious leaflet. I’m not into religion, it’s just not my thing. I really didn’t give it much thought as I flipped the leaflet over to see what was on the front.
I shut the book quickly, but the pieces were already locked into place. I may not be religious but I do believe in a higher power or an unseen force. It was like that force was telling me that it will all work out. All the stress and tears today would be worth it.
Hope is one of the hardest things to lose. I was loosing it today. Everything was slipping away in just a few hours. No matter what I did, hope just kept getting further away. Despite my concerted effort to change my circumstances, I felt deeper in shit than the day before.
Until those words, I was on a slippery slope that could have taken me months to climb out of. I still have to deal with some pretty crappy stuff like selling whatever I can live without. I still have to figure out daycare so I can work in September. I still have to deal everyday.
But there is hope. In the words of my 7th grade history teacher-
” There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah. And it’s NOT a God damned train!”
P.S.- I bought the book and the one on top of it.