Archive for April, 2011

Duct Tape and Gorillas

Posted: Friday, April 1, 2011 in Uncategorized

In honor of April’s Fool’s Day, I would like to tell you a little story.

Once upon a time, My mother thought that she could get one over on me. We had a great relationship ( still do, actually). We were always laughing and joking and having Light-saber fights in the car.  We just brought out the goofiness in each other I guess. As a 16 year old I thought it was AWESOME.

Except the time I sat on her head and gave her a black eye.  She was telling people that I beat her up.  That was a little less awesome.


For some bizare reason, Mom thought she was slick. She was going to pull a little stunt on me while I was sleeping.  I’m a heavy sleeper so it should have been easy peasy.

Not so much.

I awake to an unusual noise. It was not the typical running an jumping of the children up stairs at 5 am. No. This was more like a fabric ripping sound. I thought the little heathens were ripping up the floor boards.

It took me a few seconds to realize that it was coming from my door.

I sprang into action, grabbed my bat and ripped my door open ready to swing. On the other side was my 5 foot tall mother bent over attempting to duct tape my door shut.

Needless to say I was in shock. So was she. Like I said, I’m a heavy sleeper and it was a t the crack ass of dawn.

We laughed about it and crawled back to our own beds. Her to sleep, me to plan.

She had taken our games to a whole ‘nother level and I was ready to meet the challenge. It was all a matter of opportunity.

Opportunity knocked a few months later in the fall.  Mom and I were taking a little trip to New Hampshire to explore the area surrounding a hospital she had been in. Since we were in New Jersey, that meant an early wake up call. Very early. I had a master plan.

I had clear packing tape, scissors, time and the memory of what woke me up all those months ago. That was all I needed.

I woke up at 3 am and began cutting strips of tape. I must have cut about 50 of them and gently tacked them around my room. Then, taking a couple of strips at a time, I made a grid across my moms door. I swear I had never been so quiet in my life. Nor have I been since.

Once my web had been built, I waited.

Like a spider.

Like a trying so hard not to laugh I may pee myself spider.

Then, just as I was about to doze off, I heard Mom heading for her door.  I popped up and stood on the other side. I didn’t want to miss a thing.

The door opened.

She paused.

I thought she had seen all the shiny tape in front of her. I was wrong. She was just getting her bearings because she walked straight into my trap causing her glasses to get stuck to it.

I was laughing so hard I was hyperventilating.

It got worse when my groggy, now glassesless mother reached out and started to feel the force field that was blocking her path to the coffee pot.

I thought I was going to die of hysterics. That is, if Mom didn’t kill me first. And considering that she was doing a pretty good Ms. Hannigan impression from behind her cage, my death seemed pretty imminent either way.

But, the brave soul that I am, I released her and gave her the coffee that I had waiting. That coffee may have saved my life. I am forever grateful to that delicious, magical liquid.

That morning effectively ended our pranking days. Except the one that my mom has been warning me about since that day. She’s given me clues to it and always follows up with “Expect it when you least expect it”.

And how does one NOT expect a gorilla with balloons, peanuts and strings.

I’m still waiting, mom.