Last year I did a thing. A big thing.
I was having what I thought to be serious issues with my heart and I ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. The doctor ran some tests and while everything turned out to be okay test wise I was still having symptoms. Those symptoms were greatly aggravated when a certain person was around or the topic of conversation while I was on my hospital adventure.
The person came to visit me while I was in the hospital and the contempt for me and my fear of a possible heart condition was noticeable to everyone include the older woman in the next bed who just had hip surgery and was hopped up on some Grade A shit.
That was an eye opening experience.
I was released after a few days and went back to the comfort of my own home.
I knew that I had to make a change and make amends with this person. There was so much grief and heartache where they were concerned.
I wish I could say that I did but that person never gave me a chance to talk it out with them. I was home only a few hours when they came to me and started accusing my mother of ridiculous things and then alluding to me of equal ridiculousness. I tried to walk away but they followed me and cornered me and continued on their tirade of accusations and outlandish and scary predictions.
This person was once again pushing my buttons, trying to see how far they have to go before I snapped.
They almost got me. I Had enough and simple stated that I would not put up with these actions anymore.
And that is how it stayed for a few weeks.
Then, all in one day it exploded.
I had to run an errand with this person and something got broken due to wear and tear. The breakage was clearly my fault according to them though and they were fuming at me. Me being a peace-keeper I let it go and let them stew in their juices while I worked on a resolution.
This was us. This was our dance and I knew the steps well.
Later on we had a conversation on the phone and what was said to me was so shocking and so outrageous, I screamed at them . I had only raised my voice to them once before when I was feeling brave. I had never screamed before though. I must have sounded like a lunatic but I guess in that moment I was.
They hung up on me. In that moment I knew I was done for, Tom was going to kill me.
While he had never once raised his hand in violence towards me or the kids, he had done everything in his power to cut me off from the world. He had become increasingly menacing in his words and actions. Physical violence just seemed like a foregone conclusion.
I gathered the kids and left and on February 28, 2014 I became a single mom.
On February 18, 2015, I foolishly agreed to a divorce settlement that allowed Tom access to the house that he had purchased just a few months before we got married and that I currently have exclusive occupancy of.
I had once again fallen in to the pattern of “give him what he wants so he will go away.” Except this time he wouldn’t be going away. He would be allowed to harass me on a monthly basis under the guise of making sure the house was take care of. All from the man who almost let his children’s home be foreclosed because he A) can’t manage his money, B) wants to hurt me or C) all of the above.
After I went to bed, I laid awake, once again feeling the same terrifying sensations that landed me in the hospital last year. this time, I knew why. And now I know what I need to do. I will move on with my life like he never existed (except on the weekends when I have to hand my babies over to him for 36 hours because the court said so.)
Even though I have once again let him bully me, this is the last time. I refuse to accept anything less from myself.
Trying to Survive 