Archive for the ‘amanda’ Category

There are some things in this world that, as a mom, is unavoidable. No matter how much you want to you just can’t get around-

  • whining
  • waiting at the doctors
  • paperwork
  • puke
  • poop

That last one has been very popular around here lately.

It all started last month when Amanda had The Bug. You know the one I’m talking about. Puking, sharting, exhaustion, seemingly endless diarrhea, refusal to eat, all followed up with a nice case of acid reflux.  We call it Icky Belly.

I threw out 4 pairs of underwear last month.  It was that bad.

Now yesterday, I put Perry in her crib for a nap. She protested until she fell asleep. Or so I thought.

I kept smelling poop and since Kieran has recently potty trained himself, I thought he had an accident. That poor boy endured my interrogation for a full 5 minutes.

He’ll make a very patient man someday.

Then I heard Perry.

As I approached the bedroom, the smell became stronger.  When I opened the door I was greeted by a butt neked, grinning she-devil. And poop.

Pooplets to be exact.  Perry had smashed what must have been a dry, little poopie and rubbed it all over her mattress and pushed what was left behind her crib.

Lovely.

Later on, we had a visit from Naana. As usual Kieran hid out with his toys. I thought he was improving because he was actually being quiet about it rather than screaming.

He’ll also grow up to be Anthropophobic .

I have to say that I am not the one who made the discovery. To did when he checked on Kieran.  I found out because Tom is not calm when it comes to body function related emergencys.

To save my own sanity, I stepped in.

I was on the poop hunt again. I had to pick up and inspect every toy in the room. That, of course, was  every toy we owned.  I ended up following a pooplet trail from one side of the room to the other.

At least it was easy to clean up.

Tonight was another story.

Amanda, bless her skinny little heart, refuses to get out of bed by herself.  There is not a good enough reason in this world for her to get up with out permission. She tried once and saw a monster in Mommy and Daddy’s room and never tried again. I also never left my bedroom door open during grown up time again.

Tonight that bit us both in the tush.

Amanda called for me and I couldn’t here her. I’ll blame selective hearing. By the time I responded, it happened. Shit, that is.

This was no pooplet.  It was shit all over the inside of her jammies and down her leg.  It didn’t help that Amanda was having a dancing, whining tizzy while I”m trying to clean her up.

Ugh. I hope this is the last poop event for a while.

And just for the record, we are now down 5 pairs of panties and a pair of pink footie pajamas.

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I get inspired to write all the time. I write the most wonderful posts in my head while I’m driving*, cleaning up or changing a diaper. Some times their so funny I nearly piss my pants. Other times their eye watering, poignant. Either way each one is fan-friggen-tastic.

I can’t wait to get on the computer and pound one out**.  I’m practically salivating at the idea of expressing myself as some one other than Mom, Queen of Time Outs and Sippy Cups.

Then shit hits the fan. Literally in some cases.  One second I’m fantasizing about living up to my potential and then some and the next I’m chasing Kieran around with Perry under my arm, a diaper in my hand, the phone pinned between my shoulder and ear and Amanda chasing me, whining requesting yet another outfit change.

Brilliant thoughts? Vanished.

I’ve taken to writing an idea down when I get one. In fact I have a short list sitting on top of my computer right now.

I have no idea where I was heading with those strikes of lightning. They’ll stay right where they are until I get around to throwing them out. Who knows, maybe I’ll remember what I was thinking some time between now and then. 6 months from now if I’m lucky.

PS- Thanks for the inspiration Amy. Your writer’s block was not for naught***.

PPS- While previewing this post. Flock, my browser crashed. Twice.

*When my truck isn’t being possessed by an evil demon that causes the fuel pump to go catatonic with fear.

**Yeah, that sounded dirty to me too.

***Say it with me now, ” Oooh, fancy word”.

This is Tom.

Hi Tom!

Isn’t he cute? I think so. I’m a little biased.
Tom ( in case your wondering) is my husband. Tom has some wonderful qualities like

Showing the kids cool stuff
and

Rawr

Serving our country from 1996-2000
and

He does the dishes, picks up the house, vacuums and does his own laundry.

Tom is a great man. He evolved past the age of 17 long before I met him.
But,
Tom is not without his quirks. Here is the top 4

  • Watching any movie on a continuous loop. No matter how many times he’s seen it before. 
  • Actually expecting the kids to not play with the toys he just picked up. I warn him every time and every time he doesn’t listen. 
  • Wearing a fleece when it’s 80 out.
  • He had a cat that I not so lovingly referred to as his “Real Wife”. Nothing would make him give her up. Not even peeing on our daughters toys. May the cat rest in peace.

Even with these foibles, Tom does little things that makes me giggle a little. Things like

  • Saying “Grill”. As in ” Why are you in my grill about this?”. 
  • Dressing up in full camo to go target practice. I call it going to imaginary sniper-land.
  • Flirting with me while I cook.
And my favorite of all…..
Walking behind me so he can stare at and comment on my ass. He still finds me hot after 5 years AND having a front row seat to the birth of our 3 kids.

I witness one of Amandas newest habits this morning. She took a swig of milk and spit it back into her cup. EW EW EW EW!

I informed her that that was not okay and not to do it again. I didn’t think about it after that. It skeeved me so I moved on.

I have a very nice coffee cup with a lid to help keep it warm when I forget about it. I forget where I put my cup all the time.

I had one of those moments today when I had to randomly abandon my cup to parent. I came back to it an hour later and took a mouthful and felt a floater.

Not much grosses me out like a piece of something floating in my drink and subsequently in my mouth.

Like many moms out there I spit my coffee into my own hand. I was hoping to not get any on my newish carpet. I seriously underestimated the capacity of my mouth. I ended up with coffee down my shirt, on my shorts and all over the carpet.

Luckily the carpet is the exact color of my coffee. Good call landlord man.

The offending item was left in my hand. My mind went straight back to Amanda na dher new trick. I hunted her down in her room. With a big grin she copped to spitting in my coffee.

*urp*

I wanted to laugh. I did laugh while I sent her to time out, actually.  Discipline with a smile isn’t really discipline. She immediately began to shake her tutu’d booty to the music from Sesame Street. I laughed harder.

I couldn’t keep her in time out. Discipline fail.

I’ll just have to keep a better eye on my coffee cup.

My family and I live in a trailer. It’s basically a P.O.S.. The only thing it has going for it is that’s it’s shelter and we can afford it.
Last summer the Slum landlord had new carpet and laminate installed. Then, in the fall, he had a crew come out to level out the place. Ya know, because making a structure level will fix the warped and bent doors, the leaks inside the walls and the crooked windows. Sure….. Right…..*nodding and smiling*.

Seriously. If I ever start thinking like that, I order anyone reading this to hunt me down, kidnap me and my family, and drop us off in NJ for logic and sarcasm immersion therapy.
Now, My new carpet has a wrinkle the length of the living room, the old linoleum  has the same in the bedrooms and the laminate pops and cracks when you walk on my roller coaster of a kitchen floor.
Amanda happened to step on one of those spots in the kitchen. It made such a loud snap, she looked a little scared. When I asked her if the floor made a funny noise, she responded very seriously, 
” No mom, It’s crapping”
Very true baby girl, very true.

4 years ago I was hallucinating. I thought I was in St. Mary’s Hospital in Knoxville,Tennessee. I kept looking at the door, waitign for my aunt to duck waddle into the room. I was going to verbally throw her out on her can. After all that she had done, she had a set of brass ones to walk in right then.

While I was busy waiting for bad blood to rise, Tom did the unthinkable. He walked up, gently touched my hand and informed me he was going to the bathroom. All I could do was nod. I watched as he walked across the room, entered the bathroom and closed the door behind him.

Panic set in. tears started to flow. How could he leave me sitting here scared, alone and in pain. I understood that he had to use the potty when he told me but as soon as that door closed , I was convinved that he left me in the hospital. I was sure he was driving home. In my mind, I was abandoned.

Between working 3rd shift, being sent to the hospital most of the day before for tests and then being up all night with a UTI, I was a mess. I called my DR no less than 20 times that morning only to be redirected to the nurses station at the local hospital. The nurse on duty kept telling me that I was fine and my pain was normal. Something told me she was wrong, so I kept calling.

Finally, she asked me why I didn’t just call my DR. She was pretty annoyed at that point but so was I. She didn’t even offer to page him when I told her that was how got to talk to her all night long. All I got was ” He should be in now, keep trying”. Even after I told her I was bleeding.

I *love* small country hospitals.
I finally got in contact with DR. MIA and was seen immediately. He sent me off to the oh so *wonderful* hospital and the *helpful* nurse for a transfer. They couldn’t help me there. At least they knew that much. 
As soon as I was hooked up to the machines, Nurse*Helpful* came in to tell me that what was happing now had nothing to do with the tests I had yesterday. Maybe not, but I told you my pain had moved and became more intense right before you discharged me. You blew me off. Just like my manager blew me off when I said I needed to pee. He left me waiting for an hour and a half each time.
I really should have let them fire me when I got in trouble for using the bathroom too much.
I didn’t care what she said. I just nodded and asked when I was being transfered and when was Tom showing up. I had lost my confidence in her and the hospital. I wanted OUT.
I knew my situation was bad, but just how bad I was unsure of. I did get a small clue when they gave me some drugs for the pain and brought the ambulance stretcher in at the same time. Only 15 minutes had passed since my arrival. I had sat in the same room for 6 hours the day before over a UTI. I was a little sad that I didn’t get to ride in a helicopter but happy to be going to a better hospital. The problem would be taken care of and I would be in my own bed that night.
Tom must have been flying because he walked in as they were wheeling me out. There was an hour between our locations and he covered it in under 20 minutes.
Despite the painkillers, the ride was agony. Paved or not, that was some of the roughest road I had ever been on. All the dips and turns and sinkholes. I was starting to wonder if the nurse had given me a placebo. Don’t ask me why. That was probably the first delusion of many that night.
They did use the siren for me at lights. Yay me!
I get to Big Hospital still relatively calm. There’s that whole delusional thing working again. I’m greeted by a flock of nurses. Competent, well informed, very nice nurses. 
I hope I apologized in advance. I don’t handle pain well. I’m down right nasty. Like “Exorcist” nasty.
They hook me up and get me comfortable. As much as I can be anyway.   Tom, my mom and his mom show up shortly after me. 
I get to see DR. Specialist who runs some tests to see if I need surgery.
We hang out, I try to relieve the pain while waiting for the okay for drugs. I don’t do so well. I can’t have anything until the tests come back. If I need surgery, they’ll have to give me anesthesia and they don’t want any bad reactions to it.
I’m growling and grumpy. I won’t let poor Tom touch me. It hurt too much. They had me lay on my back for a catheter insertion. Have you ever had one of those with out drugs AND with a UTI. It wasn’t on my list of things to do before I die. It shouldn’t be on your either. I almost puked the pain was so bad. I hadn’t eaten in more than 12 hours so it wouldn’t have produced much anyway.
DR. Specialist comes back and tells me that I don’t need surgery. Yay! Unfortunately the situation had progress too far for me to go home. He also tells me that I can have what ever drugs I want as soon as the anesthesiologist is done with a c-section. Yay! In an hour. Damn!
Time passes, the moms go home with promises to come back first thing, Tom passes out in a chair.
More time passes. I have long since convinced myself that I was in TN and Tom left me.The pain is so intense I can’t sit still and I am using some colorful language. I really hope I apologized at some point. My body keeps trying to fall asleep or pass out, I can’t tell. All I knew was that I was staring at the clock and suddenly two minutes had passed.
Almost 3 hours after the Dr’s okay, my hero walks in. The rockstar of the medical world. 
The Anesthesiologist!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sweet relief!!!! I don’t care how much he gets paid, it’s not enough.
I actually let Tom touch me again, then I am out like a light before  the staff can leave the room. I don’t care how tired you are, there is no way to sleep soundly when people keep poking at you and asking what your pain level is. I didn’t care. I felt no pain and that was my only goal.
Well, it was until something had changed. I woke Tom up and sent him for a nurse because I was too groggy to find the call button. There was a flurry of activity. Every one moved so quick, It was like watching a movie in time lapse. I felt weird being the only one not doing something. I really didn’t have a choice at that point.
After 12 minutes I got this….. 
Due to a UTI, Amanda was born 6 weeks premature on 5/26/2006.
Even through all of that, when I think of her birth, the first thing I think of is turning to Tom, who was all up in my shit to watch,  and saying 
“Holy Shit! I just gave birth!”. 
Happy 4th Birthday Amanda! 

Well, I was really expecting to have an all out snarkfest for you today. I headed out to what was sure to be the Redneck event of the season and I was going to have the pictures to prove it.

I must say I was pleasantly surprised. There was still a great deal of rednecking going on at Tom’s aunt and uncles 25th anniversary party. But it was different than their daughter in-laws version of a wedding reception. The paper towel place cards were noticeably absent. Tom was also much more relaxed than he was at the “wedding” last year.

Since the kids don’t get out much both Kieran and Perry were less than friendly. Kieran wouldn’t even go inside for the first hour. Amanda was overly friendly and I removed her during the ceremony when she  started doing laps around the buffet tables. I was wholly embarrassed.

Did I mention that I get out about as much as the kids? I don’t. I do love it when we go some place with my mother in law Vicki though. She is always more than happy to deal with the kids so I can enjoy myself. I think I need to tell her how awesome she is.

Something must have bit me in the tush because I felt like dancing. The only person I could get to dance with me was Perry. Not that she had much of a choice. Actually we were the only people dancing the majority of the time.

The other two were having a great time with the open juice cooler (Kieran) and all you can eat chocolate covered strawberries (Amanda). Kieran even tried to work the keg while bring cheered on by some inebriated party goers. Tom was never so proud.

Then it happened. Something I swore I never did and would never do.

I sang. In public. WITH A MICROPHONE!

Amanda spotted the microphone and tried to take off the table to bring to me. Then she ran up to me and said “Mama sing?”.
My heart melted and I said yes. How could I say no? She was so sweet and innocent. How was she to know that I was tone deaf? I told the DJ that I would sing along to the music and she was cool with that.

I picked out Gunpowder and Lead. Something I sing at home and know all the words to and I can get into it. At least when there’s not 40+ people staring at me.

I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to pee myself. But I sang with everything I had to my little girl. She actually pushed a chair over and stood on it about an inch from me. It was probably the most beautiful moment I’ve ever had as Amanda’s mom.

The bonus was that no one boo’d or laughed or ran screaming from the room.
The even bigger bonus was the look on Tom’s face when it was over. He was positively beaming.
The biggest bonus of all was making my baby happy and showing her what a confident woman looks like.