Archive for the ‘coffee’ Category

It’s true. You learn something new everyday. You just need to look around and pay attention. Or in my case, break your computer.

Here are the top 6 things I’ve learned while I’m on restriction.

  1. If the mechanic tells you the problem is not electrical but your truck magically starts after he checks out the wiring. Get a new mechanic.
  2. Nothing kills sexy time like the hunting channel
  3. Swap shops are like permanent garage sales. You can get rid of your old crap while acquiring new crap to fill the void.
  4. Without the ability to Facebook stalk people, I feel a lot better about my life. Out of sight, out of mind.
  5. It is possible to have 3 young kids and a clean house.
  6. Do NOT read The Lorax to your kids then pick up a gory crime novel for yourself.  It’s like being on an acid trip solely for the written word.  

Everyday is an educational experience. What have you learned today?

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At some point in the past month or so I have become Murphy. Law, not Brown. I wish I was Murphy Brown though. There is no way Life would even consider killing her trucks fuel pump  AND kill her computer on top of it. She would just give it one of her steely glares and all would be right with the world.

Alas, that is not my life.

I am now the but of a joke some where. Even now that my truck has been repaired at a discount, I had to declare Tom’s car useless for the time being. Am I the only person who thinks it’s unsafe when the brakes grind and you need to use the e-brake to slow down?

No?

I didn’t think so.

So now that Tom has my truck and my computer has been turning itself off after 30 seconds, I now know what it feels like to be a 1950’s house wife.  I release the natives, I make them breakfast and clean up while they eat. Then I sit a watch kiddie cartoons until I can’t take it anymore and curl up in the fetal position on the couch and cry silently. After that I make lunch and clean up while they eat. After lunch is nap time and when I take on a project. This week I cleaned 2 closets washed the windows and organized my kitchen.

I only have 1000 squarefeet in my house. I’m going to run out of projects soon.

The first person who sends Geeksquad or a new computer can have Tom’s balls. I’m done with them anyway.

I get inspired to write all the time. I write the most wonderful posts in my head while I’m driving*, cleaning up or changing a diaper. Some times their so funny I nearly piss my pants. Other times their eye watering, poignant. Either way each one is fan-friggen-tastic.

I can’t wait to get on the computer and pound one out**.  I’m practically salivating at the idea of expressing myself as some one other than Mom, Queen of Time Outs and Sippy Cups.

Then shit hits the fan. Literally in some cases.  One second I’m fantasizing about living up to my potential and then some and the next I’m chasing Kieran around with Perry under my arm, a diaper in my hand, the phone pinned between my shoulder and ear and Amanda chasing me, whining requesting yet another outfit change.

Brilliant thoughts? Vanished.

I’ve taken to writing an idea down when I get one. In fact I have a short list sitting on top of my computer right now.

I have no idea where I was heading with those strikes of lightning. They’ll stay right where they are until I get around to throwing them out. Who knows, maybe I’ll remember what I was thinking some time between now and then. 6 months from now if I’m lucky.

PS- Thanks for the inspiration Amy. Your writer’s block was not for naught***.

PPS- While previewing this post. Flock, my browser crashed. Twice.

*When my truck isn’t being possessed by an evil demon that causes the fuel pump to go catatonic with fear.

**Yeah, that sounded dirty to me too.

***Say it with me now, ” Oooh, fancy word”.

I witness one of Amandas newest habits this morning. She took a swig of milk and spit it back into her cup. EW EW EW EW!

I informed her that that was not okay and not to do it again. I didn’t think about it after that. It skeeved me so I moved on.

I have a very nice coffee cup with a lid to help keep it warm when I forget about it. I forget where I put my cup all the time.

I had one of those moments today when I had to randomly abandon my cup to parent. I came back to it an hour later and took a mouthful and felt a floater.

Not much grosses me out like a piece of something floating in my drink and subsequently in my mouth.

Like many moms out there I spit my coffee into my own hand. I was hoping to not get any on my newish carpet. I seriously underestimated the capacity of my mouth. I ended up with coffee down my shirt, on my shorts and all over the carpet.

Luckily the carpet is the exact color of my coffee. Good call landlord man.

The offending item was left in my hand. My mind went straight back to Amanda na dher new trick. I hunted her down in her room. With a big grin she copped to spitting in my coffee.

*urp*

I wanted to laugh. I did laugh while I sent her to time out, actually.  Discipline with a smile isn’t really discipline. She immediately began to shake her tutu’d booty to the music from Sesame Street. I laughed harder.

I couldn’t keep her in time out. Discipline fail.

I’ll just have to keep a better eye on my coffee cup.

I was all ready to drag myself to bed. I was even so bold as to think about getting a shower. I had it all planned out in my head, right down to check the front door 3-4 times.

I was foiled again.

Amanda has once again woken up to see Tom’s car gone. I’m not sure what runs through her head but it seems a lot like a mix of heartbreak and panic to me. At least 4 times a week I amforced to go through the same schpeil about how “Daddy goes to work after you go to bed and he will be home in the morning to eat breakfast with. Now try to sleep, the sooner you sleep the sooner Daddy will be home.” Then I have to go through the whole “scarey monsters”,” there’s only good and funny monsters and list every monster on Sesame Street I can think of” set of hoops.

I have to do this a couple times each night it happens

Tonight I got smart(ish). I got Amanda a picture of her and Tom and a toy cell phone and told her to look at the picture and call Daddy on her phone to say I love you.

So far only a couple of whimpers and no more outright wailing. I’m still not feeling real hopeful.

Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy.

I have a morning ritual. I get up, leave the kids in bed ( awake or not) and have a cup of coffee in silence. sometimes I drink it in my living room at the computer, sometimes I drink it outside enjoying the quiet. This is what my mom called The Cone of Silence. I’m not sure where she got the name but it seems to fit. If this ritual is not completed properly, my day is shot.

The cone of silence was broken today. It was shattered by a pre-coffee question. It was a simple enough, ” What’s on the agenda today?”. However, I was only pouring my first cup of coffee so the answer came out kind of, well, bitchy. I didn’t even realize just how nasty I sounded until I heard the front door shut. Apparently I hurt Toms feelings.

In my defense, he should heve known better. we’ve been together for 5 years and I have never, NEVER answered a pre-coffee question in anything more than a  growl. He’s lucky he got words.

I went out on the back porch and proceeded with my morning. I was contemplating my unintentional rudeness when Tom stalked past me to check the dryer in the shed. (Yes, my dryer is in my shed. Outside. That’s what happens when you have a landlord who’s ears are bigger than his brains.) I apologized and reminded him that no matter how nice I want to sound, it’s going to come out like I’m posessed. I’m not going to let his forgetfulness ruin my day.

All was forgiven all the way around and I finished my coffee in blissful silence. That silence allowed me to not freak out when

  • Tom turned on The Chipmonks before breakfast
  • passed off dirty diaper duty to me even though he smelled it first
  • gave the kids chocolate chip cookies for breakfast
  • Kieran stuffed 2 of those cookies in his mouth at the same time
  • Amanda freaked out over not having shoes to put on
  • Amanda demanded grape juice instead of strawberry banana
  • Amanda and Kieran turned into zombies in front of the tv
  • Perry sympathy whining all along the way. 

Those 15 tiny minutes let me enjoy the little things like

  • Tom and Amanda having cuddle time on the couch
  • Tom taking care of breakfast so I can screw around on Facebook
  • Kieran playing nicely with Perry
  • Finding a new way to play hide and seek with Tom as my partner in hiding *wink wink*
  • Kieran NOT freaking out when he couoldn’t have something
  • Perrys dimples
  • Amanda wearing Toms work boots
  • being able to go potty with out listening to kids scream and or get in trouble

Despite Toms faux pas, today is shaping up to be a pretty good day and I’ve had enough coffee to enjoy it.