Archive for the ‘depressed’ Category

I feel like I lost one of my own tonight. One of my tribe laid down his arms and said “Enough.”

Enough of the hiding. Hiding your pain. Hiding your face. Hiding your scars and your wounds. Hiding from the beasts and demons you carry with you. Hiding from reality and hiding from fantasy.

Enough.

Enough of the lying. Lying to them, to you, to us, to all. Lying in wait for the next wave to come.

Enough.

It’s such a simple word, it’s easily understood with nothing more than a simple gesture.

But, it’s impact is great.

Some say “Enough” and stand up. Some say “Enough” and lie down.

Either way, nothing is ever the same.

 

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 800-273-8255

For phone-phobics

bandbacktogether.com/resources

 

 

 

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At some point in the past month or so I have become Murphy. Law, not Brown. I wish I was Murphy Brown though. There is no way Life would even consider killing her trucks fuel pump  AND kill her computer on top of it. She would just give it one of her steely glares and all would be right with the world.

Alas, that is not my life.

I am now the but of a joke some where. Even now that my truck has been repaired at a discount, I had to declare Tom’s car useless for the time being. Am I the only person who thinks it’s unsafe when the brakes grind and you need to use the e-brake to slow down?

No?

I didn’t think so.

So now that Tom has my truck and my computer has been turning itself off after 30 seconds, I now know what it feels like to be a 1950’s house wife.  I release the natives, I make them breakfast and clean up while they eat. Then I sit a watch kiddie cartoons until I can’t take it anymore and curl up in the fetal position on the couch and cry silently. After that I make lunch and clean up while they eat. After lunch is nap time and when I take on a project. This week I cleaned 2 closets washed the windows and organized my kitchen.

I only have 1000 squarefeet in my house. I’m going to run out of projects soon.

The first person who sends Geeksquad or a new computer can have Tom’s balls. I’m done with them anyway.

I’ve been dealing with some internal crap lately.  Feeling like a permanent world class fuck-up, having nothing left of me, sundowning at 10am, feeling weighed down emotionally and physically.  I haven’t been able to do much. Just the basics like feeding my kids.

I haven’t even felt like writing. My Father’s day post was written weeks in advance when I was in a better frame of mind. If I had written that post on Sunday, it would have read very differently.

How?

First of all I wasn’t home to write it. I gave Tom what I would have like to have as a gift. A day to himself. I took the kids swimming with my mom and left Tom to do as he pleases. He could putter with his gun, watch hunting shows and nap endlessly.

He did all that except nap. A funny thing happens when the kids and I are out and Tom is left to his own devices. He suddenly has no urge to nap.

I’m not talking about resting for 20 minutes to recharge the batteries. I’m mean must sleep for 2-3 Hours. NOW.

I understand that he works a physically demanding job in 120 degree* heat . That would wear anyone out. But for some odd reason, it’s not nearly tiring when the kids and I aren’t there when he gets home. Hence no nap.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That just screams ” I don’t want to deal with you” to me.

That really doesn’t help my feeling like I’ve made every wrong decision possible. Choices that affect my kids. Like committing myself for life to the wrong person. The person that helped me create those kids.

I with the kids solo for at least 11 hours a day. That’s not including the time he is present but can’t be bothered. At the end of the day I have nothing left. Not even for myself.

I can’t even muster up the drive to take care of myself.

I’ve been wanting to start working out. I’ve told Tom that I need an hour to myself when he gets home. His answer was that he didn’t get time to himself. Um…… yeah you do. You use it to sleep.  His response was no less frustrating than the actual naps.

” So, if I don’t take a nap when I get home, we’ll be even”.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’ve had conversations about how I need to take better care of myself and exercise. Tom even said that I wouldn’t be around to take care of anyone if I didn’t change my lifestyle. He’s right but he’s unwilling to sacrifice an hour a day for me.

A freaking HOUR!

This near-uselessness pops up anytime I need to leave him in-charge of the kids. He always asks if I can do whatever after the kids go to bed or if my mom can watch them.

At this point my mom** spends more time helping me that Tom does.

I can’t keep this up. I’m  not going to keep this up. Today, after Tom gets home and has some lunch, I am taking my hour. Regardless of what he says.

Like my mom’s very wise friend, Kelly C. told me ” You teach people how to treat you”.

School is in session.

*no, I’m not exaggerating. I’m pretty sure it violates workers rights too.

** I love my mom. She’s AWESOME!

UPDATE-  I got my walk. Without an argument. Shocker! I only took a half an hour because I’m REALLY out of shape and didn’t want to kill my self or my drive to get in shape. My current goal is to start couch25k in October.

Signs

Posted: Thursday, June 3, 2010 in depressed, for sale, Freedom, hope, kids, potty training, work

I was out solo today. I had a quick job interview and decided to pop into an antique shop in town. I wandered around and enjoyed  the silence in my head. I had no intentions of buying anything. I really didn’t have the money to spare. Even the 1948 Fleischmanns Yeast bread book for $2.

I was the perfect companion to my 1943 version of the book and it killed me to walk away. I love old books. They’re so delicate to the touch and their smell reminds me of something I can’t quite name. The paper is soft and fuzzy like the footsie jammies my kids wear in the winter.

I was checking out a book, mostly just to have it in my hands, when I flipped the back cover open to find a religious leaflet. I’m not into religion, it’s just not my thing. I really didn’t give it much thought as I flipped the leaflet over to see what was on the front.

Don’t 
Give  
Up  
Hope 
I shut the book quickly, but the pieces were already locked into place. I may not be religious but I do believe in a higher power or an unseen force. It was like that force was telling me that it will all work out. All the  stress and tears today would be worth it.
 Hope is  one of the hardest things to lose. I was loosing it today. Everything was slipping away in just a few hours. No matter what I did, hope just kept getting further away. Despite my concerted effort to change my circumstances, I felt deeper in shit than the day before. 
Until those words, I was on a slippery slope that could have taken me months to climb out of. I still have to deal with some pretty crappy stuff like selling whatever I can live without. I still have to figure out daycare so I can work in September. I still have to deal everyday.
But there is hope. In the words of my 7th grade history teacher-

” There is a light at the end of the tunnel, Sarah. And it’s NOT a God damned train!” 

P.S.- I bought the book and the one on top of it.