Archive for the ‘jail time’ Category

I’ve been dealing with some internal crap lately.  Feeling like a permanent world class fuck-up, having nothing left of me, sundowning at 10am, feeling weighed down emotionally and physically.  I haven’t been able to do much. Just the basics like feeding my kids.

I haven’t even felt like writing. My Father’s day post was written weeks in advance when I was in a better frame of mind. If I had written that post on Sunday, it would have read very differently.

How?

First of all I wasn’t home to write it. I gave Tom what I would have like to have as a gift. A day to himself. I took the kids swimming with my mom and left Tom to do as he pleases. He could putter with his gun, watch hunting shows and nap endlessly.

He did all that except nap. A funny thing happens when the kids and I are out and Tom is left to his own devices. He suddenly has no urge to nap.

I’m not talking about resting for 20 minutes to recharge the batteries. I’m mean must sleep for 2-3 Hours. NOW.

I understand that he works a physically demanding job in 120 degree* heat . That would wear anyone out. But for some odd reason, it’s not nearly tiring when the kids and I aren’t there when he gets home. Hence no nap.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That just screams ” I don’t want to deal with you” to me.

That really doesn’t help my feeling like I’ve made every wrong decision possible. Choices that affect my kids. Like committing myself for life to the wrong person. The person that helped me create those kids.

I with the kids solo for at least 11 hours a day. That’s not including the time he is present but can’t be bothered. At the end of the day I have nothing left. Not even for myself.

I can’t even muster up the drive to take care of myself.

I’ve been wanting to start working out. I’ve told Tom that I need an hour to myself when he gets home. His answer was that he didn’t get time to himself. Um…… yeah you do. You use it to sleep.  His response was no less frustrating than the actual naps.

” So, if I don’t take a nap when I get home, we’ll be even”.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’ve had conversations about how I need to take better care of myself and exercise. Tom even said that I wouldn’t be around to take care of anyone if I didn’t change my lifestyle. He’s right but he’s unwilling to sacrifice an hour a day for me.

A freaking HOUR!

This near-uselessness pops up anytime I need to leave him in-charge of the kids. He always asks if I can do whatever after the kids go to bed or if my mom can watch them.

At this point my mom** spends more time helping me that Tom does.

I can’t keep this up. I’m  not going to keep this up. Today, after Tom gets home and has some lunch, I am taking my hour. Regardless of what he says.

Like my mom’s very wise friend, Kelly C. told me ” You teach people how to treat you”.

School is in session.

*no, I’m not exaggerating. I’m pretty sure it violates workers rights too.

** I love my mom. She’s AWESOME!

UPDATE-  I got my walk. Without an argument. Shocker! I only took a half an hour because I’m REALLY out of shape and didn’t want to kill my self or my drive to get in shape. My current goal is to start couch25k in October.

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I don’t know where I saw this first but a couple of blogs that I read had posted 100 things about themselves. All I could think was me too, me too. It took me a few days but I got it done.

Hop on board!
  1.  I told a teacher, in a fit of preteen angst that I would be a published writer. In this case, blogs count.( I told you so Mrs. Salerno).
  2.  I keep blowing bubbles long after my kids have lost interest.
  3. I have to sleep with my feet covered. Tom has to sleep with his feet uncovered. Something I should have thought about before committing to a life with him.
  4. I hate talking on the phone.
  5. I still miss my first car. She had soul. R.I.P Suzzy.
  6. I haven’t started exercising yet. I haven’t figured out the when.
  7. It takes me all week to finish the laundry, sometimes more.
  8. Time management is not my strong suit.
  9. I got a D in Freshman seminar because of that. 
  10. I was also too cocky to do the work.
  11. I dropped out of community college after one semester.
  12. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
  13. I see a lot of me in Amanda.
  14. That scares the crap out of me.
  15. I used to get lost in daydreams at school.
  16. I still get lost in daydreams.
  17. I will write a cheesy romance novel someday.
  18. I will use a pseudonym when I publish that novel.
  19. I’ll make it a series.
  20. It will be the next twilight. with out the vampires and werewolves.
  21. I love cars.
  22. I miss going to the racetrack sometimes.
  23. I hated the track near the end of my time there.
  24. I’ve never lived alone.
  25. That really annoys me about myself.
  26. I am not afraid to die.
  27. I am afraid of what my death will mean for my loved ones.
  28. I hurt when other people hurt.
  29. I am easily influenced by others.
  30. I would never call myself a leader.
  31. I call myself a mom instead.
  32. I never wanted kids.
  33. I can’t imagine my life without them
  34. I don’t want to imagine my life without them.
  35. I own 1 bra
  36. I own 1 pair of jeans
  37. I wouldn’t buy more of either even if I had the money.
  38. Buying new clothes for me is depressing.
  39. I never seem to like what is practical.
  40. I fall in love with the impractical. i.e.- hot pink oxford button down shirt, navy blue pencil skirt w/a slit up the back and navy pumps with hot pink trim.
  41. I would sink in the mud if I set foot outside in heels.
  42. I would never get Amanda out of those heels in the first place.
  43. I love shoes.
  44. I love boots most of all.
  45. my calves are too fat for most boots.
  46. I really need to start some yoga
  47. I want a yoga ball
  48. I won’t buy a yoga ball
  49. I’ll pop said yoga ball
  50. I wonder if there are any industrial strength yoga balls out there?
  51. HeHe…I said “balls”
  52. I’m easily amused.
  53. I have the urge to go wake Tom up.
  54. I make things complicated for my friends. (Sorry Amy)
  55. I’m not going to wake Tom up. He has to be to work at 3 am
  56. Happy, happy overtime! Happy, Happy overtime! 
  57. I tend to break out in song and sometimes dance.
  58. Yes, I am a Gleek and proud of it.
  59. I used to dance and sing in the Sussex NJ A&P late at night/ early morning
  60. I still do a little jig every now and again if I’m feeling froggy
  61. When I’m really feeling my Cheerios, I turn my kitchen floor into a stage and put on concerts for my kids.
  62. There is a lot of audience participation involved.
  63. I get winded too quickly and have to cancel my shows half way through.
  64. I get hounded by the paparazzi to do more.
  65. I sing from the desk chair.
  66. They can’t swarm me if I’m in my chair.
  67. I love to bake.
  68. My favorite thing to bake are pies.
  69.  I use a cook book from the 1930’s for my pie crust recipies
  70. I love old cookbooks
  71. I really don’t like regular cooking
  72. I would use my crock pot everyday if it wasn’t such a bitch to clean
  73. The wind scares me
  74. The wind never scared me until I lived in a trailer.
  75. I’m afraid that it’s going to blow away and break in two
  76. I know my fear is irrational
  77. That doesn’t make me feel any better.
  78. I’m scared of driving over bridges too.
  79. I’m afraid  that I’ll go over the edge, into water below.
  80. I know that’s irrational too
  81. I forgot to pay a speeding ticket once. The transmission blew the day after I got the ticket and I left the ticket in the junked car.
  82. My license was suspended 3 years later.
  83. I didn’t know my license was suspended.
  84. I got pulled over for speeding again 4 years and 3 states later.
  85. I was arrested for driving with a suspended license.
  86. I was never so scared in my life.
  87. My in-laws loaned Tom the money to bail me out of county jail.
  88. We didn’t have the money to bail me out because Tom had bought a new gun the week before.
  89. I made Tom sell that gun when we needed money a year later.
  90. I don’t see the point in owning more than one gun if any.
  91. Tom is a hunter, he sees the point in owning at least one gun.
  92. Tom only has one gun.
  93. I would like it to stay that way.
  94. I think there are better things to invest our money in.
  95. I’ve never been on a family vacation
  96. I’m hoping to pull one off next year
  97. Everyone else seems to go to Outer Banks, NC. I wanna go too.
  98. I refuse to go camping.
  99. I don’t potty without a potty.
  100. I will roast marshmallows in the front yard though.

Thank you for riding Sarah’s train of thought. Please stay seated until the train has come to a complete stop. In case of an emergency ( or any normal day) and the train does stop, tuck and roll.

I do my big grocery shopping once a month, preferably without kids. I shop for an entire months worth of shelf-stable and freezer items. I prep for at least three days. 1 for coupons, 1 for cleaning fridge and vacuuming the cabinets and 1 for defrosting the freezer. I could spread that out over a couple of weeks but I’m a lazy procrastinator. That and it would all just get dirty and frosty again so why bother.

This month was no different in the basics. What was different however was that I took two cart with me through the store. I figured that I could have one for heavy stuff like cans and juice and one for the more fragile items. I got quite a few strange looks but I didn’t really give it much thought.

I was almost done and in the frozen food department grabbing some veggies when a woman who was giving me a strange look in produce a couple hours earlier asked if all that was for me. She was very nice, especially after I explained to her that I do most of my shopping once a month because taking 3 kids under 4 to the store every week is just insane. Moments later another woman asked basically the same question and got the same answer.

They both nodded and agreed that taking little kids to the store was tough. They both had kids, now teenagers though. They knew that you did what you had to do.

I was in a great mood even after I got my total. The $75 I saved in coupons and shopper club discounts really helped with that. Hell, I was practically giddy because of that.

I dropped my receipt in the lobby and when I bent down to pick it up I heard a voice.

“I bet that’s taxpayer money.”

I stood up and looked straight into the eyes of an 70-80 year old man walking past me. He was talk to me! I was in total shock. He kept staring as he walked by and muttered something under his breathe as he went.


So many thing ran through my mind in those few seconds, I couldn’t even respond to him. I almost called out to him or ran after him but he was lost in the crowd by then. I went and load up my truck instead. 

I was insulted and angry. I waited for him to come out so I could rip him up. or run him over. I sat there for a little bit before I decided to move on before I lost a ton of food to the heat. I cranked “Bleed It Out”  and sped across the parking lot. 

Then I saw him. I was pointed right at the piss ant when I stopped at the stop sign. Once again I just stared but for a different reason. This time I knew just what to do. I wanted to feel the thump of his body hitting my bumper at a high velocity and see his shocked face as his carcass gets thrown. If my foot had touched the gas pedal, I wouldn’t be here to write this. I’d be in court pleading insanity.

I’m not normally an angry person and Linkin Park only comes out when I need a release for my frustrations. So why did this old douchebag get to me so bad?

Because it’s true.

 Yes, my family receives public assistance in the form of foodstamps and medicaid for the kids. It’s not some thing I’m proud of and I would certainly choose to work outside the house if it would actually help. I’ve done the math, it would make us worse off than we are now. If I worked we would need this to survive-
375 a week for daycare
100 gas
150 health coverage
150 groceries and formula
775 just to cover what we would lose and the cost of going to work. 400 if I work a schedule opposite Tom and ask family to babysit for free.

I only have a couple of semesters of college and live in a rural community with a lot of other people out of work. Jobs that pay that well are not only scarce, they’re unheard of. Tom is a CNC machinist and doesn’t even get paid half of that. Sad, considering that the average pay for that job is 37,000. Tom makes $10,000 than the federal poverty guideline for a family of 5. And yes, 400 a week is very rare around here.

It seemed for a long time that every time we would start to do okay, the birth control would fail and Tom would get laid off. The companies he worked for would run out of work and in one case they ended up closing for good. So we applied and qualified for assistance. 
We did this for the kids. It’s not their fault that we live in an economically depressed area . It’s not their fault the housing market took a crap and people stop building new homes. 

We’ve looked at it from every angle. Alternating schedules, asking family to help, moving, me working from home. There is always a fatal flaw in the plan that makes it not workable.

I have to sit and bide my time until it is financially feasible for me to work. Feeling like a schmuck because I am physically capable just so deep into The Brokeness that we would be homeless if I did work.