Archive for the ‘kieran’ Category

Magical

Posted: Wednesday, August 24, 2016 in city hospital, Family, kieran, pants, party

Once upon a time there was a boy who stunk so bad, his mom made him take a shower in a special tub. This very special tub was higher in the air than most tubs and the boy thought this was wonderful but did not realize just how wonderful it really was.

When the show was over the mom told the boy to dry off. The boy, while drying his butt found the tubs truly magical power. It had a mirror directly across from the tub, exactly the right height for the boy to see himself while drying his butt.

This was so amazing to him that he called his mother to see what he had discovered. His mom, not being accustomed to the strange bathroom, peeked in to see what was the young boy had found.

He had found himself and that if he shakes his butt, everything else shakes too.

 

The End

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Fear is a gust of wind the rattles my bones. Fear is a gray cloud that stops the quickens my heart. Fear is a click, creak and groan of a settling house. It’s an unexpected flash of light. Fear is a ghost that haunts me day and night. I am forever at the ready for the fear to be realized.

During the day I watch the sky and judge the wind. I check weather.com like it’s the next Twitter.  I look for reasons to leave the house. I don’t want to be here. Something bad might happen. Something I can’t protect my family against.

At night I stay up late, whether I am tired or not. I’m on the computer with The Weather Channel map open at all times. I peek out windows and check and recheck the locks. I make sure my keys and sneakers are readily available. I check for the dial tone. I go over in head how to load and hold the shotgun. Then I remember that if I ever had to shoot it, My kids would probably be in the line of fire. So I keep the phone in my pocket and wish I had a baseball bat.

When I finally go to bed, I lie there and think. In between lock and weather check, that is. I wonder, is tonight the night we get another tornado? Is this the night some one is going to break in?  Or is this place just going to go up in flames. If so, we’re all screwed.

We’re so far from help, calling wouldn’t matter. It would be over before they got halfway here. So I am always waiting to be called into action. I fear that moment when I have to stop being mom and  be the hero.

And I want it to stop.

I can’t live this way. My family shouldn’t have to put up with Edgy Mommy. Or Exhausted Mommy. It’s not fair to any of us.

So I’ve been looking for a new place to live. Tom has a new, better paying job so we can afford more. But it still is not enough. Rent prices have skyrocketed since the high volume gas well fracking has moved into the area. And once again, we are priced out of the market. The safe ones anyway.

That hasn’t stopped me. Everyday, several times a day, I have been scouring Craigslist and the local newspapers online for something that will work. I’ve even had Tom applying for mortgages while I talk to real estate agents. And for the past 3 months nothing has panned out. We are wither too late, they won’t take the cat ( that Tom won’t part with) or they want 1st, last and 2 months security. That can total over 4 grand.

Until today.

Today I found a 3 bedroom duplex in a nice area that is going to be available in September.  It’s in a great school district and they accept cats. It’s a situation that would alleviate my fears to some degree. It’s in a more populated area, mere minutes from the state troopers and a fire department. The neighborhood (all owned by the same company) look well maintained. And it has a BASEMENT. It’s like Manna  from Heaven. Just one, not so small catch. The rent is more than half of Tom’s paycheck and it would take more than $2k to move in.

If we paid nothing but food gas and insurance, we could get it done in about a month. Maybe a month and a half.

But to what end.

Sure, it has just about everything we want. It’s safe (looking), clean, cared for and convenient. I wouldn’t burst into tears and speed my kids up to my moms at the first clap of thunder and wind gust of 10 MPH.  I wouldn’t spend the night wondering if I should sleep in the hall outside my kids door, just in case.

I would, however, spend my night wondering how we were going to pay the heat, electric, insurance and food bills. And what about when the kids out grow the clothes and shoes they have. I can’t even fathom Christmas and Birthdays.

Oh, wait. I can.

I just stopped doing that shit a couple months ago. I don’t want to go back.

We can afford to pay our bills and live just a little now. It hurts my heart to think of going back to barely scraping by and counting pennies. Going nowhere and not buying things we need just so we can have a roof over our heads and all the very basics that go with it.

But then again, it hurts my heart to be terrified of my home. It hurts even more when Kieran wants to get in the truck and leave at the first raindrop. It takes everything I have to soothe him and tell him it’s okay when in reality, I want to get in the truck too.

So I’m left with this question-

How much a month is my sense of security worth? How much is my kids sense of security worth?

There are some things in this world that, as a mom, is unavoidable. No matter how much you want to you just can’t get around-

  • whining
  • waiting at the doctors
  • paperwork
  • puke
  • poop

That last one has been very popular around here lately.

It all started last month when Amanda had The Bug. You know the one I’m talking about. Puking, sharting, exhaustion, seemingly endless diarrhea, refusal to eat, all followed up with a nice case of acid reflux.  We call it Icky Belly.

I threw out 4 pairs of underwear last month.  It was that bad.

Now yesterday, I put Perry in her crib for a nap. She protested until she fell asleep. Or so I thought.

I kept smelling poop and since Kieran has recently potty trained himself, I thought he had an accident. That poor boy endured my interrogation for a full 5 minutes.

He’ll make a very patient man someday.

Then I heard Perry.

As I approached the bedroom, the smell became stronger.  When I opened the door I was greeted by a butt neked, grinning she-devil. And poop.

Pooplets to be exact.  Perry had smashed what must have been a dry, little poopie and rubbed it all over her mattress and pushed what was left behind her crib.

Lovely.

Later on, we had a visit from Naana. As usual Kieran hid out with his toys. I thought he was improving because he was actually being quiet about it rather than screaming.

He’ll also grow up to be Anthropophobic .

I have to say that I am not the one who made the discovery. To did when he checked on Kieran.  I found out because Tom is not calm when it comes to body function related emergencys.

To save my own sanity, I stepped in.

I was on the poop hunt again. I had to pick up and inspect every toy in the room. That, of course, was  every toy we owned.  I ended up following a pooplet trail from one side of the room to the other.

At least it was easy to clean up.

Tonight was another story.

Amanda, bless her skinny little heart, refuses to get out of bed by herself.  There is not a good enough reason in this world for her to get up with out permission. She tried once and saw a monster in Mommy and Daddy’s room and never tried again. I also never left my bedroom door open during grown up time again.

Tonight that bit us both in the tush.

Amanda called for me and I couldn’t here her. I’ll blame selective hearing. By the time I responded, it happened. Shit, that is.

This was no pooplet.  It was shit all over the inside of her jammies and down her leg.  It didn’t help that Amanda was having a dancing, whining tizzy while I”m trying to clean her up.

Ugh. I hope this is the last poop event for a while.

And just for the record, we are now down 5 pairs of panties and a pair of pink footie pajamas.

I get inspired to write all the time. I write the most wonderful posts in my head while I’m driving*, cleaning up or changing a diaper. Some times their so funny I nearly piss my pants. Other times their eye watering, poignant. Either way each one is fan-friggen-tastic.

I can’t wait to get on the computer and pound one out**.  I’m practically salivating at the idea of expressing myself as some one other than Mom, Queen of Time Outs and Sippy Cups.

Then shit hits the fan. Literally in some cases.  One second I’m fantasizing about living up to my potential and then some and the next I’m chasing Kieran around with Perry under my arm, a diaper in my hand, the phone pinned between my shoulder and ear and Amanda chasing me, whining requesting yet another outfit change.

Brilliant thoughts? Vanished.

I’ve taken to writing an idea down when I get one. In fact I have a short list sitting on top of my computer right now.

I have no idea where I was heading with those strikes of lightning. They’ll stay right where they are until I get around to throwing them out. Who knows, maybe I’ll remember what I was thinking some time between now and then. 6 months from now if I’m lucky.

PS- Thanks for the inspiration Amy. Your writer’s block was not for naught***.

PPS- While previewing this post. Flock, my browser crashed. Twice.

*When my truck isn’t being possessed by an evil demon that causes the fuel pump to go catatonic with fear.

**Yeah, that sounded dirty to me too.

***Say it with me now, ” Oooh, fancy word”.

This is Tom.

Hi Tom!

Isn’t he cute? I think so. I’m a little biased.
Tom ( in case your wondering) is my husband. Tom has some wonderful qualities like

Showing the kids cool stuff
and

Rawr

Serving our country from 1996-2000
and

He does the dishes, picks up the house, vacuums and does his own laundry.

Tom is a great man. He evolved past the age of 17 long before I met him.
But,
Tom is not without his quirks. Here is the top 4

  • Watching any movie on a continuous loop. No matter how many times he’s seen it before. 
  • Actually expecting the kids to not play with the toys he just picked up. I warn him every time and every time he doesn’t listen. 
  • Wearing a fleece when it’s 80 out.
  • He had a cat that I not so lovingly referred to as his “Real Wife”. Nothing would make him give her up. Not even peeing on our daughters toys. May the cat rest in peace.

Even with these foibles, Tom does little things that makes me giggle a little. Things like

  • Saying “Grill”. As in ” Why are you in my grill about this?”. 
  • Dressing up in full camo to go target practice. I call it going to imaginary sniper-land.
  • Flirting with me while I cook.
And my favorite of all…..
Walking behind me so he can stare at and comment on my ass. He still finds me hot after 5 years AND having a front row seat to the birth of our 3 kids.

Well, I was really expecting to have an all out snarkfest for you today. I headed out to what was sure to be the Redneck event of the season and I was going to have the pictures to prove it.

I must say I was pleasantly surprised. There was still a great deal of rednecking going on at Tom’s aunt and uncles 25th anniversary party. But it was different than their daughter in-laws version of a wedding reception. The paper towel place cards were noticeably absent. Tom was also much more relaxed than he was at the “wedding” last year.

Since the kids don’t get out much both Kieran and Perry were less than friendly. Kieran wouldn’t even go inside for the first hour. Amanda was overly friendly and I removed her during the ceremony when she  started doing laps around the buffet tables. I was wholly embarrassed.

Did I mention that I get out about as much as the kids? I don’t. I do love it when we go some place with my mother in law Vicki though. She is always more than happy to deal with the kids so I can enjoy myself. I think I need to tell her how awesome she is.

Something must have bit me in the tush because I felt like dancing. The only person I could get to dance with me was Perry. Not that she had much of a choice. Actually we were the only people dancing the majority of the time.

The other two were having a great time with the open juice cooler (Kieran) and all you can eat chocolate covered strawberries (Amanda). Kieran even tried to work the keg while bring cheered on by some inebriated party goers. Tom was never so proud.

Then it happened. Something I swore I never did and would never do.

I sang. In public. WITH A MICROPHONE!

Amanda spotted the microphone and tried to take off the table to bring to me. Then she ran up to me and said “Mama sing?”.
My heart melted and I said yes. How could I say no? She was so sweet and innocent. How was she to know that I was tone deaf? I told the DJ that I would sing along to the music and she was cool with that.

I picked out Gunpowder and Lead. Something I sing at home and know all the words to and I can get into it. At least when there’s not 40+ people staring at me.

I was shaking so bad I thought I was going to pee myself. But I sang with everything I had to my little girl. She actually pushed a chair over and stood on it about an inch from me. It was probably the most beautiful moment I’ve ever had as Amanda’s mom.

The bonus was that no one boo’d or laughed or ran screaming from the room.
The even bigger bonus was the look on Tom’s face when it was over. He was positively beaming.
The biggest bonus of all was making my baby happy and showing her what a confident woman looks like.