Archive for the ‘questions’ Category

I feel like I lost one of my own tonight. One of my tribe laid down his arms and said “Enough.”

Enough of the hiding. Hiding your pain. Hiding your face. Hiding your scars and your wounds. Hiding from the beasts and demons you carry with you. Hiding from reality and hiding from fantasy.

Enough.

Enough of the lying. Lying to them, to you, to us, to all. Lying in wait for the next wave to come.

Enough.

It’s such a simple word, it’s easily understood with nothing more than a simple gesture.

But, it’s impact is great.

Some say “Enough” and stand up. Some say “Enough” and lie down.

Either way, nothing is ever the same.

 

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 800-273-8255

For phone-phobics

bandbacktogether.com/resources

 

 

 

I don’t know where I saw this first but a couple of blogs that I read had posted 100 things about themselves. All I could think was me too, me too. It took me a few days but I got it done.

Hop on board!
  1.  I told a teacher, in a fit of preteen angst that I would be a published writer. In this case, blogs count.( I told you so Mrs. Salerno).
  2.  I keep blowing bubbles long after my kids have lost interest.
  3. I have to sleep with my feet covered. Tom has to sleep with his feet uncovered. Something I should have thought about before committing to a life with him.
  4. I hate talking on the phone.
  5. I still miss my first car. She had soul. R.I.P Suzzy.
  6. I haven’t started exercising yet. I haven’t figured out the when.
  7. It takes me all week to finish the laundry, sometimes more.
  8. Time management is not my strong suit.
  9. I got a D in Freshman seminar because of that. 
  10. I was also too cocky to do the work.
  11. I dropped out of community college after one semester.
  12. I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up.
  13. I see a lot of me in Amanda.
  14. That scares the crap out of me.
  15. I used to get lost in daydreams at school.
  16. I still get lost in daydreams.
  17. I will write a cheesy romance novel someday.
  18. I will use a pseudonym when I publish that novel.
  19. I’ll make it a series.
  20. It will be the next twilight. with out the vampires and werewolves.
  21. I love cars.
  22. I miss going to the racetrack sometimes.
  23. I hated the track near the end of my time there.
  24. I’ve never lived alone.
  25. That really annoys me about myself.
  26. I am not afraid to die.
  27. I am afraid of what my death will mean for my loved ones.
  28. I hurt when other people hurt.
  29. I am easily influenced by others.
  30. I would never call myself a leader.
  31. I call myself a mom instead.
  32. I never wanted kids.
  33. I can’t imagine my life without them
  34. I don’t want to imagine my life without them.
  35. I own 1 bra
  36. I own 1 pair of jeans
  37. I wouldn’t buy more of either even if I had the money.
  38. Buying new clothes for me is depressing.
  39. I never seem to like what is practical.
  40. I fall in love with the impractical. i.e.- hot pink oxford button down shirt, navy blue pencil skirt w/a slit up the back and navy pumps with hot pink trim.
  41. I would sink in the mud if I set foot outside in heels.
  42. I would never get Amanda out of those heels in the first place.
  43. I love shoes.
  44. I love boots most of all.
  45. my calves are too fat for most boots.
  46. I really need to start some yoga
  47. I want a yoga ball
  48. I won’t buy a yoga ball
  49. I’ll pop said yoga ball
  50. I wonder if there are any industrial strength yoga balls out there?
  51. HeHe…I said “balls”
  52. I’m easily amused.
  53. I have the urge to go wake Tom up.
  54. I make things complicated for my friends. (Sorry Amy)
  55. I’m not going to wake Tom up. He has to be to work at 3 am
  56. Happy, happy overtime! Happy, Happy overtime! 
  57. I tend to break out in song and sometimes dance.
  58. Yes, I am a Gleek and proud of it.
  59. I used to dance and sing in the Sussex NJ A&P late at night/ early morning
  60. I still do a little jig every now and again if I’m feeling froggy
  61. When I’m really feeling my Cheerios, I turn my kitchen floor into a stage and put on concerts for my kids.
  62. There is a lot of audience participation involved.
  63. I get winded too quickly and have to cancel my shows half way through.
  64. I get hounded by the paparazzi to do more.
  65. I sing from the desk chair.
  66. They can’t swarm me if I’m in my chair.
  67. I love to bake.
  68. My favorite thing to bake are pies.
  69.  I use a cook book from the 1930’s for my pie crust recipies
  70. I love old cookbooks
  71. I really don’t like regular cooking
  72. I would use my crock pot everyday if it wasn’t such a bitch to clean
  73. The wind scares me
  74. The wind never scared me until I lived in a trailer.
  75. I’m afraid that it’s going to blow away and break in two
  76. I know my fear is irrational
  77. That doesn’t make me feel any better.
  78. I’m scared of driving over bridges too.
  79. I’m afraid  that I’ll go over the edge, into water below.
  80. I know that’s irrational too
  81. I forgot to pay a speeding ticket once. The transmission blew the day after I got the ticket and I left the ticket in the junked car.
  82. My license was suspended 3 years later.
  83. I didn’t know my license was suspended.
  84. I got pulled over for speeding again 4 years and 3 states later.
  85. I was arrested for driving with a suspended license.
  86. I was never so scared in my life.
  87. My in-laws loaned Tom the money to bail me out of county jail.
  88. We didn’t have the money to bail me out because Tom had bought a new gun the week before.
  89. I made Tom sell that gun when we needed money a year later.
  90. I don’t see the point in owning more than one gun if any.
  91. Tom is a hunter, he sees the point in owning at least one gun.
  92. Tom only has one gun.
  93. I would like it to stay that way.
  94. I think there are better things to invest our money in.
  95. I’ve never been on a family vacation
  96. I’m hoping to pull one off next year
  97. Everyone else seems to go to Outer Banks, NC. I wanna go too.
  98. I refuse to go camping.
  99. I don’t potty without a potty.
  100. I will roast marshmallows in the front yard though.

Thank you for riding Sarah’s train of thought. Please stay seated until the train has come to a complete stop. In case of an emergency ( or any normal day) and the train does stop, tuck and roll.

My family and I live in a trailer. It’s basically a P.O.S.. The only thing it has going for it is that’s it’s shelter and we can afford it.
Last summer the Slum landlord had new carpet and laminate installed. Then, in the fall, he had a crew come out to level out the place. Ya know, because making a structure level will fix the warped and bent doors, the leaks inside the walls and the crooked windows. Sure….. Right…..*nodding and smiling*.

Seriously. If I ever start thinking like that, I order anyone reading this to hunt me down, kidnap me and my family, and drop us off in NJ for logic and sarcasm immersion therapy.
Now, My new carpet has a wrinkle the length of the living room, the old linoleum  has the same in the bedrooms and the laminate pops and cracks when you walk on my roller coaster of a kitchen floor.
Amanda happened to step on one of those spots in the kitchen. It made such a loud snap, she looked a little scared. When I asked her if the floor made a funny noise, she responded very seriously, 
” No mom, It’s crapping”
Very true baby girl, very true.

I was all ready to drag myself to bed. I was even so bold as to think about getting a shower. I had it all planned out in my head, right down to check the front door 3-4 times.

I was foiled again.

Amanda has once again woken up to see Tom’s car gone. I’m not sure what runs through her head but it seems a lot like a mix of heartbreak and panic to me. At least 4 times a week I amforced to go through the same schpeil about how “Daddy goes to work after you go to bed and he will be home in the morning to eat breakfast with. Now try to sleep, the sooner you sleep the sooner Daddy will be home.” Then I have to go through the whole “scarey monsters”,” there’s only good and funny monsters and list every monster on Sesame Street I can think of” set of hoops.

I have to do this a couple times each night it happens

Tonight I got smart(ish). I got Amanda a picture of her and Tom and a toy cell phone and told her to look at the picture and call Daddy on her phone to say I love you.

So far only a couple of whimpers and no more outright wailing. I’m still not feeling real hopeful.

Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy.

I thought is would be neat to try something a little different so today I am going to participate in  “Getting to Know You” with Keely Mann over at MannLand5.



1. Are you superstitious? I used to be REALLY superstitious. To the point of stupidity actually.I let that go though. I guess I grew up. I do find myself throwing salt over my shoulder or buying a lottery ticket when I dream of being rich though. So, yes. I guess I am a bit superstitious.


2. If you were an animal..what kind would you be? I would have to say a house cat. Generally lazy but every once in a while I get a wild hair and go a little crazy


3. You would never catch me wearing………? A tube top. There is too much gravity on earth to make that pleasant for anyone involved. Maybe in space where the ta-ta’s would appear perkier.


4.  If someone posts a VLOG..do you watch it? Not usually. I get embarrassed really easy. It doesn’t matter how comfortable the person is on camera is still feel like it’s me on the spot.


5. Have you ever waxed your girlie/manly parts..or any other part of your body? I’ve got a bit of Greek in me so I wax my chin once a month. Just last week I took the action south. It didn’t really hurt. One thing to mention though, pee BEFORE waxing the tender bits. It tends to irritate the skin if you pee right after.


6. Are you a spender or a saver?
I was a spender for a long time then I had kids and was forced into saving. I don’t save to save money, I save to pay bills.

7. If  you were starring in a movie..who would you want to play your leading man/woman?          

Alexander Skarsgård, he’s just beautiful. Tom and I are working our way through Generation Kill where he plays SGT. Brad “Iceman” Colbert. But only if he acts like the Iceman. otherwise I opt for none. There is enough testosterone in my life.

 

 

I love that movie. It’s just awesomeness all over the place.


8. Smoker..never smoked..social smoker..or smoked back in the day? Back in the day. That’s all I’m going to say about that one.