Archive for the ‘solitude’ Category

I feel like I lost one of my own tonight. One of my tribe laid down his arms and said “Enough.”

Enough of the hiding. Hiding your pain. Hiding your face. Hiding your scars and your wounds. Hiding from the beasts and demons you carry with you. Hiding from reality and hiding from fantasy.

Enough.

Enough of the lying. Lying to them, to you, to us, to all. Lying in wait for the next wave to come.

Enough.

It’s such a simple word, it’s easily understood with nothing more than a simple gesture.

But, it’s impact is great.

Some say “Enough” and stand up. Some say “Enough” and lie down.

Either way, nothing is ever the same.

 

The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 800-273-8255

For phone-phobics

bandbacktogether.com/resources

 

 

 

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It’s true. You learn something new everyday. You just need to look around and pay attention. Or in my case, break your computer.

Here are the top 6 things I’ve learned while I’m on restriction.

  1. If the mechanic tells you the problem is not electrical but your truck magically starts after he checks out the wiring. Get a new mechanic.
  2. Nothing kills sexy time like the hunting channel
  3. Swap shops are like permanent garage sales. You can get rid of your old crap while acquiring new crap to fill the void.
  4. Without the ability to Facebook stalk people, I feel a lot better about my life. Out of sight, out of mind.
  5. It is possible to have 3 young kids and a clean house.
  6. Do NOT read The Lorax to your kids then pick up a gory crime novel for yourself.  It’s like being on an acid trip solely for the written word.  

Everyday is an educational experience. What have you learned today?

I’ve been dealing with some internal crap lately.  Feeling like a permanent world class fuck-up, having nothing left of me, sundowning at 10am, feeling weighed down emotionally and physically.  I haven’t been able to do much. Just the basics like feeding my kids.

I haven’t even felt like writing. My Father’s day post was written weeks in advance when I was in a better frame of mind. If I had written that post on Sunday, it would have read very differently.

How?

First of all I wasn’t home to write it. I gave Tom what I would have like to have as a gift. A day to himself. I took the kids swimming with my mom and left Tom to do as he pleases. He could putter with his gun, watch hunting shows and nap endlessly.

He did all that except nap. A funny thing happens when the kids and I are out and Tom is left to his own devices. He suddenly has no urge to nap.

I’m not talking about resting for 20 minutes to recharge the batteries. I’m mean must sleep for 2-3 Hours. NOW.

I understand that he works a physically demanding job in 120 degree* heat . That would wear anyone out. But for some odd reason, it’s not nearly tiring when the kids and I aren’t there when he gets home. Hence no nap.

WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That just screams ” I don’t want to deal with you” to me.

That really doesn’t help my feeling like I’ve made every wrong decision possible. Choices that affect my kids. Like committing myself for life to the wrong person. The person that helped me create those kids.

I with the kids solo for at least 11 hours a day. That’s not including the time he is present but can’t be bothered. At the end of the day I have nothing left. Not even for myself.

I can’t even muster up the drive to take care of myself.

I’ve been wanting to start working out. I’ve told Tom that I need an hour to myself when he gets home. His answer was that he didn’t get time to himself. Um…… yeah you do. You use it to sleep.  His response was no less frustrating than the actual naps.

” So, if I don’t take a nap when I get home, we’ll be even”.

AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We’ve had conversations about how I need to take better care of myself and exercise. Tom even said that I wouldn’t be around to take care of anyone if I didn’t change my lifestyle. He’s right but he’s unwilling to sacrifice an hour a day for me.

A freaking HOUR!

This near-uselessness pops up anytime I need to leave him in-charge of the kids. He always asks if I can do whatever after the kids go to bed or if my mom can watch them.

At this point my mom** spends more time helping me that Tom does.

I can’t keep this up. I’m  not going to keep this up. Today, after Tom gets home and has some lunch, I am taking my hour. Regardless of what he says.

Like my mom’s very wise friend, Kelly C. told me ” You teach people how to treat you”.

School is in session.

*no, I’m not exaggerating. I’m pretty sure it violates workers rights too.

** I love my mom. She’s AWESOME!

UPDATE-  I got my walk. Without an argument. Shocker! I only took a half an hour because I’m REALLY out of shape and didn’t want to kill my self or my drive to get in shape. My current goal is to start couch25k in October.

I was all ready to drag myself to bed. I was even so bold as to think about getting a shower. I had it all planned out in my head, right down to check the front door 3-4 times.

I was foiled again.

Amanda has once again woken up to see Tom’s car gone. I’m not sure what runs through her head but it seems a lot like a mix of heartbreak and panic to me. At least 4 times a week I amforced to go through the same schpeil about how “Daddy goes to work after you go to bed and he will be home in the morning to eat breakfast with. Now try to sleep, the sooner you sleep the sooner Daddy will be home.” Then I have to go through the whole “scarey monsters”,” there’s only good and funny monsters and list every monster on Sesame Street I can think of” set of hoops.

I have to do this a couple times each night it happens

Tonight I got smart(ish). I got Amanda a picture of her and Tom and a toy cell phone and told her to look at the picture and call Daddy on her phone to say I love you.

So far only a couple of whimpers and no more outright wailing. I’m still not feeling real hopeful.

Sometimes a girl just needs her Daddy.

I have a morning ritual. I get up, leave the kids in bed ( awake or not) and have a cup of coffee in silence. sometimes I drink it in my living room at the computer, sometimes I drink it outside enjoying the quiet. This is what my mom called The Cone of Silence. I’m not sure where she got the name but it seems to fit. If this ritual is not completed properly, my day is shot.

The cone of silence was broken today. It was shattered by a pre-coffee question. It was a simple enough, ” What’s on the agenda today?”. However, I was only pouring my first cup of coffee so the answer came out kind of, well, bitchy. I didn’t even realize just how nasty I sounded until I heard the front door shut. Apparently I hurt Toms feelings.

In my defense, he should heve known better. we’ve been together for 5 years and I have never, NEVER answered a pre-coffee question in anything more than a  growl. He’s lucky he got words.

I went out on the back porch and proceeded with my morning. I was contemplating my unintentional rudeness when Tom stalked past me to check the dryer in the shed. (Yes, my dryer is in my shed. Outside. That’s what happens when you have a landlord who’s ears are bigger than his brains.) I apologized and reminded him that no matter how nice I want to sound, it’s going to come out like I’m posessed. I’m not going to let his forgetfulness ruin my day.

All was forgiven all the way around and I finished my coffee in blissful silence. That silence allowed me to not freak out when

  • Tom turned on The Chipmonks before breakfast
  • passed off dirty diaper duty to me even though he smelled it first
  • gave the kids chocolate chip cookies for breakfast
  • Kieran stuffed 2 of those cookies in his mouth at the same time
  • Amanda freaked out over not having shoes to put on
  • Amanda demanded grape juice instead of strawberry banana
  • Amanda and Kieran turned into zombies in front of the tv
  • Perry sympathy whining all along the way. 

Those 15 tiny minutes let me enjoy the little things like

  • Tom and Amanda having cuddle time on the couch
  • Tom taking care of breakfast so I can screw around on Facebook
  • Kieran playing nicely with Perry
  • Finding a new way to play hide and seek with Tom as my partner in hiding *wink wink*
  • Kieran NOT freaking out when he couoldn’t have something
  • Perrys dimples
  • Amanda wearing Toms work boots
  • being able to go potty with out listening to kids scream and or get in trouble

Despite Toms faux pas, today is shaping up to be a pretty good day and I’ve had enough coffee to enjoy it.