Last year I did a thing. A big thing.

I was having what I thought to be serious issues with my heart and I ended up in the hospital for a couple of days. The doctor ran some tests and while everything turned out to be okay test wise I was still having symptoms. Those symptoms were greatly aggravated when a certain person was around or the topic of conversation while I was on my hospital adventure.

The person came to visit me while I was in the hospital and the contempt for me and my fear of a possible heart condition was noticeable to everyone include the older woman in the next bed who just had hip surgery and was hopped up on some Grade A shit.

That was an eye opening experience.

I was released after a few days and went back to the comfort of my own home.

I knew that I had to make a change and make amends with this person. There was so much grief and heartache where they were concerned.

I wish I could say that I did but that person never gave me a chance to talk it out with them. I was home only a few hours when they came to me and started accusing my mother of ridiculous things and then alluding to me of equal ridiculousness. I tried to walk away but they followed me and cornered me and continued on their tirade of accusations and outlandish and scary predictions.

This person was once again pushing my buttons, trying to see how far they have to go before I snapped.

They almost got me. I Had enough and simple stated that I would not put up with these actions anymore.

And that is how it stayed for a few weeks.

Then, all in one day it exploded.

I had to run an errand with this person and something got broken due to wear and tear. The breakage was clearly my fault according to them though and they were fuming at me. Me being a peace-keeper I let it go and let them stew in their juices while I worked on a resolution.

This was us. This was our dance and I knew the steps well.

Later on we had a conversation on the phone and what was said to me was so shocking and so outrageous, I screamed at them . I had only raised my voice to them once before when I was feeling brave. I had never screamed before though. I must have sounded like a lunatic but I guess in that moment I was.

They hung up on me. In that moment I knew I was done for, Tom was going to kill me.

While he had never once raised his hand in violence towards me or the kids, he had done everything in his power to cut me off from the world. He had become increasingly menacing in his words and actions. Physical violence just seemed like a foregone conclusion.

I gathered the kids and left and on February 28, 2014 I became a single mom.

On February 18, 2015, I foolishly agreed to a divorce settlement that allowed Tom access to the house that he had purchased just  a few months before we got married and that I currently have exclusive occupancy of.

I had once again fallen in to the pattern of “give him what he wants so he will go away.” Except this time he wouldn’t be going away. He would be allowed to harass me on a monthly basis under the guise of making sure the house was take care of. All from the man who almost let his children’s home be foreclosed because he A) can’t manage his money, B) wants to hurt me or C) all of the above.

After I went to bed, I laid awake, once again feeling the same terrifying sensations that landed me in the hospital last year. this time, I knew why. And now I know what I need to do. I will move on with my life like he never existed (except on the weekends when I have to hand my babies over to him for 36 hours because the court said so.)

Even though I have once again let him bully me, this is the last time. I refuse to accept anything less from myself.

Well, I have moved onto to challenge number three in the Webcraft course that I have assigned to myself. I am supposed to be picking out a text editor with which to spin my web of code. Or rather, as the designer of this course put it, let the editor choose me like a wand at Olivanders. I downloaded the three recommended editors with high hopes. The first, E Text Editor, tossed some extra software and a toolbar into the deal and I shut it down faster than a hot date at the nunnery.

With viruses hopefully removed, I moved onto the next editor Notepad++. This particular one seemed very popular with the other people taking the course, so naturally I figured it would work out just fine. I made my declaration per the instructions and went to work writing my first code in the editor.

One of my many attempts.

One of my many attempts.

Cool, huh?

I thought so too. The next step was to view it in a browser, so that is what I did.

And this is what I got.


This is not what I was expecting. So I went back and did it again and tweaked it a bit and tried again. Same result.

So I tried again and again and again. I’m stupid stubborn sometimes. I finally got frustrated enough to go back the course page and look to see what editors the other students used. I tried all the ones that work with Windows, All with the same result.

Except for one. At the bottom of the comments was a more experienced user claiming Brackets by Adobe. Having familiarity with Adobe products, I knew at the very least I wouldn’t get a virus from it. So, I gave it shot.

barckets picked me

And I got exactly what I was expecting.

I didn’t choose Brackets, Brackets chose me.

I did something today that I have not done in a long time. I sat down with a pencil and paper and wrote something out by hand. I did not realize how long it had been, but my hand certainly let me know in a matter of minutes.

handwriten code

It took me ten tries, but I was able to write this out by memory. Okay, mostly memory. I had to check the spacing on the indents a couple times. The hand cramping was the worst of it. I think I will sit and write things out more often. I really don’t want to forget how to write.


Posted: Tuesday, January 27, 2015 in Uncategorized

At some point I lost my voice and I stopped writing. I thought it was because things were going so well that I no longer had something to complain about.

I was wrong.

Life was slowly spinning downward. So slowly, that I did not notice until about a year ago just how bad things had gotten. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I could not continue the way I had and in that moment I made the decision to end it and not regret  it.

Since then I have done so much.

One of those things is finding a job that I not only tolerate but I really like, border on love that I get to do from home in my basement. That  job has inspired me to to take it further and pursue my desire to learn more about computers and learn to code.

I hope at some point that I am able to make video games and or be a “white hat” and provide proactive hacking service. Or something else equally cool and techie.

I do know that I am going to have to break down and buy a space heater because it is freezing in this dungeon of tech.

I feel like I lost one of my own tonight. One of my tribe laid down his arms and said “Enough.”

Enough of the hiding. Hiding your pain. Hiding your face. Hiding your scars and your wounds. Hiding from the beasts and demons you carry with you. Hiding from reality and hiding from fantasy.


Enough of the lying. Lying to them, to you, to us, to all. Lying in wait for the next wave to come.


It’s such a simple word, it’s easily understood with nothing more than a simple gesture.

But, it’s impact is great.

Some say “Enough” and stand up. Some say “Enough” and lie down.

Either way, nothing is ever the same.


The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is: 800-273-8255

For phone-phobics




Silver Linings

Posted: Tuesday, November 15, 2011 in Uncategorized

Forgive me, for I have sinned.

It’s been 3 months since my last post.

A lot of things have changed since my last post and I’m sorry I didn’t write it down. At least for my own benefit.

The day after, I completely lost it. And in the middle of my going off the deep end, I applied for mortgages in Tom’s name.

One of them got approved. Or rather pre-approved, which means jack-shit.  And that began our wild goose chase that ended with us being denied while under contract. twice.

What can I say, I’m a bit of slow learner.

Lucky for us, a down and out homeowner, and our shared realtor, There was a home for us to move to anyway.

It’ much bigger than Pandoras Box could ever dream of being and it’s in a different town with the best elementary school in the district.I can even order delivery if I wanted to ( and I did). Real life civilization, folks.

Let me introduce you to The Money Pit.

Tom Hanks and Shelly Long not included



Mr. McGillicuddy, our guard dragon


$80 for a leaf blower no longer seems ridiculous.


Don’t be surprised if my next post is about a bath tub crashing through to the first floor.

Fear is a gust of wind the rattles my bones. Fear is a gray cloud that stops the quickens my heart. Fear is a click, creak and groan of a settling house. It’s an unexpected flash of light. Fear is a ghost that haunts me day and night. I am forever at the ready for the fear to be realized.

During the day I watch the sky and judge the wind. I check like it’s the next Twitter.  I look for reasons to leave the house. I don’t want to be here. Something bad might happen. Something I can’t protect my family against.

At night I stay up late, whether I am tired or not. I’m on the computer with The Weather Channel map open at all times. I peek out windows and check and recheck the locks. I make sure my keys and sneakers are readily available. I check for the dial tone. I go over in head how to load and hold the shotgun. Then I remember that if I ever had to shoot it, My kids would probably be in the line of fire. So I keep the phone in my pocket and wish I had a baseball bat.

When I finally go to bed, I lie there and think. In between lock and weather check, that is. I wonder, is tonight the night we get another tornado? Is this the night some one is going to break in?  Or is this place just going to go up in flames. If so, we’re all screwed.

We’re so far from help, calling wouldn’t matter. It would be over before they got halfway here. So I am always waiting to be called into action. I fear that moment when I have to stop being mom and  be the hero.

And I want it to stop.

I can’t live this way. My family shouldn’t have to put up with Edgy Mommy. Or Exhausted Mommy. It’s not fair to any of us.

So I’ve been looking for a new place to live. Tom has a new, better paying job so we can afford more. But it still is not enough. Rent prices have skyrocketed since the high volume gas well fracking has moved into the area. And once again, we are priced out of the market. The safe ones anyway.

That hasn’t stopped me. Everyday, several times a day, I have been scouring Craigslist and the local newspapers online for something that will work. I’ve even had Tom applying for mortgages while I talk to real estate agents. And for the past 3 months nothing has panned out. We are wither too late, they won’t take the cat ( that Tom won’t part with) or they want 1st, last and 2 months security. That can total over 4 grand.

Until today.

Today I found a 3 bedroom duplex in a nice area that is going to be available in September.  It’s in a great school district and they accept cats. It’s a situation that would alleviate my fears to some degree. It’s in a more populated area, mere minutes from the state troopers and a fire department. The neighborhood (all owned by the same company) look well maintained. And it has a BASEMENT. It’s like Manna  from Heaven. Just one, not so small catch. The rent is more than half of Tom’s paycheck and it would take more than $2k to move in.

If we paid nothing but food gas and insurance, we could get it done in about a month. Maybe a month and a half.

But to what end.

Sure, it has just about everything we want. It’s safe (looking), clean, cared for and convenient. I wouldn’t burst into tears and speed my kids up to my moms at the first clap of thunder and wind gust of 10 MPH.  I wouldn’t spend the night wondering if I should sleep in the hall outside my kids door, just in case.

I would, however, spend my night wondering how we were going to pay the heat, electric, insurance and food bills. And what about when the kids out grow the clothes and shoes they have. I can’t even fathom Christmas and Birthdays.

Oh, wait. I can.

I just stopped doing that shit a couple months ago. I don’t want to go back.

We can afford to pay our bills and live just a little now. It hurts my heart to think of going back to barely scraping by and counting pennies. Going nowhere and not buying things we need just so we can have a roof over our heads and all the very basics that go with it.

But then again, it hurts my heart to be terrified of my home. It hurts even more when Kieran wants to get in the truck and leave at the first raindrop. It takes everything I have to soothe him and tell him it’s okay when in reality, I want to get in the truck too.

So I’m left with this question-

How much a month is my sense of security worth? How much is my kids sense of security worth?